Wish I knew what was going to happen next in my life. Lately all I experience is loss, some things by choice other things by circumstance. I am in desperate need of positivity.
Last Saturday I broke up with my boyfriend (we are a month away from our 2 year anniversary). Had a miscarriage 2 days after our break up. Broke my heart, I couldn't believe it was happening to me and my family says to me "it's a blessing in disguise". Not really! I never want to go through that again. I still want to know what... did I do to deserve that.... to feel that heart attach. My parents who I am living with told me "we are selling our house time for you to move out". In the past year I have stopped most communication with friends and family. Typical boyfriend-girlfriend bullshit. All we have is each other. Big mistake that you see happening but never stop it from happening and regret it when it over. I use to be the life of the party. I was always on the go. Had a great out look on life. At 25 I thought I had it all figured out. Forgave my parents for what I thought was unfair in my childhood. Let go of the anger I felt towards them.
Now I am 32 and feel more fucked up in the head then ever. I had a great job at 29(made almost 50 grand a year) but then I freaked out cause I was turning 30. Stupid for thinking it was a big deal cause it turns out, that its not a big deal at all. I had quit and moved to Chico, Ca. Sold my car. Thought I was going to make my life more simple. I was doing really good met a guy, moved back to the armpit where he could make good $$$. Broke up 6 months later, got back together, moved to GV to care for a dyeing family member. Elizabeth 25 and was dyeing from colon cancer. She had 2 little kiddos under 5, and a part time husband(my cuz). I arrived in Sept. 2007 to live and care for them. When I got there I saw the relief in Lizzy's eyes, and for the first time in my life felt a connection through my soul. She could tell me her needs with her eyes. I was so proud to be there to care for her. From Sept to Nov her condition had changed dramatically. I will never forget the cry her daughter let out when it happened and the cold chill that passed through all of us. Conflicted emotions: relieved no more watching her suffer, and selfishly wanting her to never leave. Her celebration of life was still the best party I have ever been to.
One year later and I sit here confused on how to pick up my life and see things in a positive way. Lost in a world pool of loss and heart ached.
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